Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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