is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
