Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
