my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
