it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
