I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
