Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
