You really coming over, don't trick.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
