I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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