please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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