Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
