I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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