Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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