This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
