Don't make out with my wife yet
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
