Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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