9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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