Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My dick has a subreddit
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
