You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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