he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
