i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
