You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can't turn off my feet"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
