apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
