I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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