She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
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sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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