I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
