Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
