I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
