thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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