Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
