and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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