He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
