Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
