tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
