the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
