I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
