Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
