I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
