It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
