I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
