I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
