now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They are going to name an STD after you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Congratulations! We have a period
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
