I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
