Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
