You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just cut my nipple shaving
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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