i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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