Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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