you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
