She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
