...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
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My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??