Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.