So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
