idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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