I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
