I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
