Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
