Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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