Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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