you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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