I want to have your abortion
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
