Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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